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| I didn't mean to be the needle that broke your back, you were here, you were here, don't look back |
| 07.18.04 (5:48 pm) [edit] |
When you fell a certain way, express it. That's how I've always felt. What if it's hard? I never thought of that. People are always like, "It's harder than that, Codie. You can't just say something, you can't let it go." You can't. I just, I don't know, I guess what I would do is I would put myself in positions (and I'm not just talking about personal boy-girl relationships here) where it was easy to say what I felt, or express myself in the way I thought was 'creative' or whatever. I didn't actually think that there were situations where you were challenged. Where you forget what to say, or you forget how to act, or you forget why you thought something to begin with. You get to these points, and you're scared. You back-up. You step back into your comfort zone. You spot being arrogant with your emotions. You start listening again. You close yourself off, again.
I had a dream last night. I was someplace, I don't remember, it isn't relevent anyway. It doesn't seem like there were alot of people there. Wait, yes there was. I moved around this place alot, but the main 'hang-out' was this roundish room with small, white tiles everywhere. There were little cheesy bubbles all over the place (big bathroom? it felt like one, but there were no toilets) like on the walls and such. And I remember first looking around thinking, "Where are you?" and searching, almost frantically, around the place. I would leave the room, but I can't remember any other rooms (I don't really ever remember dreams this well anyway, I have only like two or three memories of dreams that stuck with me... I guess this one means something, the other two did). Then I remember finding you. I won't say who, but I might tell you, so all the people I know in real life, get a hold of me (cell: 438-3433 I have minutes). And I didn't expect it to be you. I didn't know my feelings for you were that strong. I didn't really know there were feelings. But I told you that I loved you and that you were special to me, and that I didn't want you to ever be hurt like you were that one time (the only time I've seen you hurt, if that narrows down the search) and you accepted me and we hugged. And then I left and found Cheryl (yeah, she wasn't the person, cross her name off the list) and I told her about what had happened and she was happy and she said she knew it was going to be like this and I just smiled. And I woke up, well, I was woken up. But there couldn't have been more to it.
And I don't know how to tell you. I don't know what to say, I don't know if I should even say it. I obviously should, or else I wouldn't be writing this to get your attention.
I was in a hotel room in Wimberly Texas. It was the family reunion. I have (and still) been away from home for about a week now. For three days I was at a church thing. Brandon did the wierdest thing and showed up... he doesn't even go to my church. We sat inside every chance we had and wrote acoustic songs. We have this one really pretty song that we wrote. See, I'm not, hmmm... 'technical?' in my music. I like to just strum around and see where that takes me. Which is good, since Brandon is technical and he can build on anything I make up. So, I'm messing around on the ninth fret with this wierd time signature. Brandon freaks and tells me to keep playing. He studies me for a bit and finally starts himeself, just trying stuff out. Finally after about 5-10 minutes he thinks up this guitar part to 'fancify' mine. We start playing that. My simple part, his super-duper part. It fits perfect. Then we start thinking of an intro. His part simplified- then I come in, and after a couple of rounds, he kicks into high gear. We wrote joke lyrics, but we'll change them. A song that pretty shouldn't be a joke. I also wrote a song called, "Jesus is a Cool Guy" and brandon and I have split parts and I can sing and play. I'm finishing up the lyrics while I'm away. He also taught me how to play *everything* in everlong (foo fighters), which, by the way, is my favorite song ever. And I can play the whole thing, and since there is a split part on that, and I can sing and play kinda, we want the Best Ex- Presidents to do a cover of them (along with either The Heart is a Lonely Hunter or The "D" in Detroit by the Anniversary, and 198d by At The Drive In). He also taught me ska chords. So much fun.
Then I went to the reunion. Total crap. I hate family reunions. Except that I met Mark. Mark is thirty something, and he lives in Austin. He is related to me in some round about way that I can't even to begin to fathom. Mark brought Ken. Mark is Gay. Mark is hilarious to be around. Ken is Gay. Ken is flamboyant. So here are two gay guys at a family reunion for a family that is all republican, baptist, rednecks. Everone is trying to be so nice. It's so funny. I rode with him into town with my Nana and her husband for a liquor-run. We stood outside the car while they (Nana and Dean) went in for wine and beer. Mark was mocking everyone we saw. Some bald guy came out and Mark said "Hi." the guy walked off and Mark mouthed "Oh my god!" to me and we laughed for maybe two minutes. It wasn't funny or anything, it's just funny to see how he reacts to people. We get back in the car and drive back to the hotel. He tuns up the volume a little on his radio. Yep, techno. Haha, what is up with gay people and techno? Him and Ken both have that gay-post-puberty voice that comes along with gays. What a silly sterotype. Sterotype? Wait, it's always like that, so can that still be considered a sterotype? Whatever.
Reunion status: over. I didn't go home with the family. I stayed with my Nana. I'm going home with her (I'm at a great grandparants house, now). I decided not to go to summer camp. All I need right now is a bunch of people telling me what I'm doing wrong in life, and it being too hot to argue. I don't like camp, much less [url=http://www.2bcyouth.com]church [/url] camp :x . I'll be in lubbock till friday, so if you're going to be there, call me and lets do something. Anyone.
Well, sorry this was so long. I'm going to check if those audio posts worked on my personal blog. I don't know. Hmmm... Also, if you're online, you can e-mail my phone at 8064383433@vmobl.com and I'll talk to you.
p.s. friends, call me.
end transmission
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posted by: Orchestrae (reply)
post date: 07.19.04 (12:27 pm)
Sounds like you had a rather intense past few days...hope all is well.
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